So, I have a lot inside me tonight. And I will write because if I don’t create I go mad. (Can I get an amen from anyone!?) And so, I ruminate here.
I have struggled recently, for the first time I must admit, with being a woman. I am faced with what might be considered a mid life crisis. (Although, I hope not being I’m barely 30. That doesn’t bode well for my longevity.) I am past the point of baring more children and all the difficulty that consumes your life along with that. And, thus, am looking into a future beyond these little years and wondering, “what will that look like?”
Average questions, right? These are things to ponder relevantly at most junctures. The difficulty is that as I have pressed into these questions, hoping to answer them with opportunities for growth and quality investment, I have met with many closed doors. Not because of my lack of experience or education, which are obstacles I would gladly overcome. But because I am a young woman, which apparently means the same thing. My youth means I automatically lack the necessary experience to be valuable as I am, and my femaleness equals lesser intelligence. These are both things I am powerless to change.
I don’t know what to do with this. Let me be judged for my lack of experience, my lower education, and I will gladly work hard to gain what is needed. But all that is left for me in this is to wish I was a old man. Never did I think my youthful appearance would be such a bane. Never did I think sexism would affect me directly.
The bright side of all this is… well, if I’m honest I don’t really feel a bright side right now. Even if I can rationalize one.
And so I’m here. Looking for an outlet for my expression that will be appreciated. Where I can work on a form of art out of the shadow of the judgement of those whom I will never be more than a pretty, young housewife. The irony is that these people are not even my family, or boss. That there are others in our lives that we give the right to strip our personhood from us. Somewhat a tragedy, somewhat a befuddlement.
Is this what I think womanhood is? No. But I do believe that this is a part of many other women’s story that we will never hear because even they cannot understand what it is.
Should we just write this off to the curse? My question of late has been, why do so many men (in the first world culture) never eat their food by the sweat of their brow, yet so many women never feel the freedom of relationships without domination? Recently I have read the curse described as Gods description of how sin has laid waste to the good work He had given for us to do. Not necessarily a proclamation of a curse over us, but a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is more appealing to me now. To think that this situation is a curse proclaimed by God gives me no hope of relief until death. But if this is a product of sin, Jesus has done the work sufficient for its healing now! And forever! The gospel is always sufficient hope.
Finally, a thank you to all those who have fed a small measure of self esteem to this seeker of a future in the service of God with your likes and follows. You have blessed me more than you know!!